The big list of WHYs (Text)
In my work as a sex coach, I get many clients who come to me because they want to last longer or because they come too fast. Way too fast!
Actually most men yearn to last longer in bed and most women yearn that their men would last longer.
However, most men have the wrong approach to lasting longer.
When men try to last longer in bed, they usually focus on the techniques – Squeeze this, breath there, etc.
But focusing on the 'How' doesn't really work, and this is why these men get inconsistent results with these methods.
I've been experimenting with lasting longer since around 2000, and have practiced sexual tantra since 2005. I sometimes go for 1-2 months without ejaculating at all, but that is not to say that I don't orgasm. Indeed I am one of those men who can experience many different kinds of pleasure and orgasm states and at times I have penetrative sex for an hour or more. I orgasm, but I don't ejaculate.
The real secret to lasting as long as you want is understanding your WHY:
WHY you ejaculate;
WHY it doesn't serve you to ejaculate; and,
WHY it can transform your life if you ejaculate less.
If you are not lasting as long as you want, it's because you don't have a good enough reason to last longer or to avoid ejaculation all together.
When your WHY, your reason not to ejaculate, is strong enough, it will be easier to last longer and to avoid ejaculation.
As Simon Sinek says 'Start with why', and when you have a strong enough 'why', the how and the what will be easier to master. There are still exercises, practices, techniques and tips to learn, but they will be easy once you have your 'Why'. More on that later.
Before you dismiss the suggestions of this article, consider that you and most men you know ejaculate every time they have sex or masturbate. You probably don't know any men who are sexually active but choose not to ejaculate for months and even years.
So I invite you to consider what i'm sharing and to try it for yourself.
As you're reading this, remember that i'm not telling you what to do, and that there's nothing morally or ethically wrong with ejaculating. It's a beautiful and natural part of being a man.
But if you want to last longer, and specifically if you want to transform your life with the power of your sexual energy, read on.
Why men ejaculate
Throughout human history, most men who have ever lived have ejaculated at least once during sleep, sex or masturbation. Learning to masturbate and ejaculate is a natural part of puberty and manhood. I still remember the pleasure and fascination I experienced when I started ejaculating around age 13.
But, why do men actually ejaculate?
Apart from having babies, the main reason that most men ejaculate is to experience pleasure. For a few seconds, intense pleasure is all that exists.
Other reasons that men ejaculate are to experience release and peace, as a relief of tension and stress, and to fall asleep.
Some men ejaculate simply because they feel horny and need to relieve themselves from the sexual tension.
In some way, men are addicted to ejaculation because of the pleasure and the hormonal release in their brains.
But I believe most men ejaculate because they don't know that there is an alternative.
Men often proclaim to me 'What do you mean? You don't ejaculate when you have sex? How is that possible?'
A man can actually last as long as he wishes while experiencing wave after wave of whole-body pleasure and orgasms for long minutes and even hours. And then, rather than ejaculating, a man can consciously choose not to ejaculate and instead move the sexual energy so he doesn't feel tensed and horny. He can use this energy to deepen the aspects of pleasure, love, and power in his life.
Why it doesn't serve men to ejaculate
While the reasons to ejaculate sound natural and reasonable, they are actually shallow and superficial.
The pleasure only lasts for 10-15 seconds on average, and rather than a release, it's more like a depletion. It's a short and sharp peak of pleasure, followed by an immediate crash.
And then, there are other effects of ejaculating.
Note that some men might experience most of these effects while others will experience only some of them:
- Short unsatisfying sex – The average time it takes a western man to ejaculate from the moment of penetration is 5 minutes. That doesn't really allow for pleasurable, connected and orgasmic sex.
- Inability to pleasure your partner – How often do you hear women complaining that a man lasts too long? Most women take 20-30 minutes of penetrative sex to reach a meaningful orgasm eg a vaginal, g-spot or whole-body orgasm. If you're ejaculating too fast, you're denying your partner of the pleasure she deserves
- Loss of erection - Most men lose their erection after ejaculating so penetrative sex is over. As a man grows older, it takes longer and longer after ejaculation until he can get erect again.
- Loss of desire - A man doesn't just lose his erection but also his passion and desire for his partner. Thus, sex usually ends or become mechanical, with the sole purpose of bringing his partner to orgasm
- Goal-oriented sex - Most men have mechanical and self-centred sex because their aim is to cum at the end.
- Emotional and mental numbness - Feeling a little 'foggy', numb or even 'brain dead' after ejaculation
- Frustration, sadness and even depression – Some men report that they don't just feel bad because they ejaculated too early, rather they feel frustration and even depression whenever they ejaculate, because they don't really feel satisfied and they become aware of the futility of ejaculation.
- Loss of connection with your partner - Notice that while you are having sex, you feel connected with your partner, and see her as an attractive, sexy woman. A moment after you ejaculate, you might still love your partner, but you feel less connected to her, less interested. You might also feel irritable . A moment ago you would have done everything for her. A moment later, you would hardly do nothing. Suddenly the fridge or the TV or your social media feed is more appealing. Women can feel it and they mention this as one of their least favourite aspects about a man's ejaculation.
- Tiredness, sleepiness, loss of energy and vitality - It's a common experience that men get tired and even fall asleep after sex. In a scientific study, a male rat was introduced to new females one after the other, and he literally kept going until he died.
- Loss of masculine presence and direction – Do you notice how you become more docile after sex and how you lose some of your masculine presence? Are you aware of how it's also affecting your career and other aspects of your life?
- Inability to handle intensity – You cum too fast because you don't know how to handle the intensity of your sexual energy. This might mean that you can't handle other kinds of intensity – Deep intimacy, a lot of money in your bank account, a higher position at work, an artistic achievement, or a leadership role in your community. Can you see how this is affecting your own life?
- A drop in your level of consciousness and a hindrance to your spiritual practice – There is a reason that nearly all of the spiritual and religious traditions aim to reduce the number of times that a man ejaculates. They were aware of the damage to his spiritual practice. Notice that this is the only dogmatic aspect that i'm bringing up, in other words the only aspect that doesn't come from my own experience but from the teachings and traditions that i've studied. But if you are cultivating any kind of spiritual practice, you are probably aware of these precepts and of the effects of ejaculation on your spiritual practice.
When you become aware of that many ways in which ejaculation doesn't serve you, your partner, your mission and your spiritual practice, it gives you a bigger reason, a bigger why to not only last longer but also to ejaculate less frequently while still having great sex and enjoying non-ejaculatory orgasms.
Why it serves you to ejaculate less – the benefits of ejaculation control.
If you don't have a strong enough WHY, you will be tempted to ejaculate more often.
When you have a strong enough WHY, the pleasure and release you once perceived to be the goal of sex, will be inferior in comparison to your why.
There are three main reasons to avoid ejaculation: Pleasure, Love and Power.
When you learn to control your ejaculation you can have sex for longer – much longer – and to experience new kinds of pleasure and orgasmic states that you didn't imagine were possible.
Yes! You can have an orgasm without ejaculating!
It's a different kind of pleasure compared with an ejaculatory orgasm.
Another aspect of pleasure is your partner's pleasure. When you can control your ejaculation you can bring your partners to new heights of pleasure, multiple-orgasms and ecstasy. It's not just because of the extra time you are able to move inside her, but also the increased sexual energy that you have. You will find that you are suddenly able to bring women to orgasm with a light touch and sometimes with a mere gaze.
There is also another kind of pleasure that you will experience and that is the pleasure of witnessing your woman in the throws of ecstasy for long minutes and even hours at a time. For any man who really loves and adores women, witnessing a woman in her pleasure is one of the most pleasurable, exciting and satisfying thing we can do.
Longer-lasting sex isn't just more of the same. As time goes by, the quality of the interaction changes and deepens and you feel much more love, connection, appreciation and union with your partner.
When you learn to control your ejaculation and you are neither focused on trying to last longer nor on your own pleasure, you are able to feel and relate to your partner much more meaningfully. This turns sex and fucking into love making.
It's not just the sex which gets better.
When you have great sex, when you are able to pleasure your partner and to connect with her deeply during the act, your relationship becomes better. You experience greater attraction and sexual polarity. Suddenly your partner complains less because she's more deeply satisfied.
When you are more satisfied and less needy, your relationship with your family, kids, friends and colleagues improves.
Thus, learning to control your ejaculation brings love into all aspects of your life.
Lasting longer and learning to first minimize and then avoid ejaculation all together make you more powerful in the following ways:
- Pleasure power – you're not giving up on pleasure. Rather you will experience much more pleasure via non-ejaculatory orgasms and orgasmic states that last long minutes and even hours. This will nurture, replenish and empower you.
- Increased physical power, energy and vitality – When you don't ejaculate, you don't get tired after sex, and that energy is available for you after sex. That's why athletes don't have sex before a match or a competition.
- Better health and Immune system – Your ejaculate fluid contains vital minerals and nutrients and is also charged with your life-force energy, so if you don't lose it, you will be in better health
- No need for porn – Once you master your desire you will not need porn and instead find it easier to have real relationships with real women
- Testosterone power – When you don't lose testosterone in ejaculation, it makes your body and your behaviour more manly
- Virility – Stronger erections that last for longer, since you're not dissipating your energy
- Orgasmic power – The ability to bring a woman to orgasm with your body, hands, voice or even merely with your presence
- Confidence - Becoming more confident as a lover and as a man. You will feel like an alpha male when you interact with other men.
- Attraction – Becoming more attractive to women, which is great if you're single, and also feels nice if you're in a committed relationship
- Control – when you control your ejaculation, you can more easily take control of your life
- Emotional power – Not feeling emotionally numb after sex means you can feel a greater variety of emotions and still be able to control them. This will make you better in relating to women, children and people around you. You will also experience less anxiety and depression associated with cuming too fast.
- Sense of achievement – This is one goal that you can conquer that will give you a great sense of achievement. This will help you achieve other goals in your life.
- Mental power – No more 'brain dead' state after sex means you will have more mental energy for your studies, career and hobbies. You will become more productive as well
- Intensity – Handling the intensity of your sexual energy means you can also handle greater and greater intensity associated with success, wealth, and achievements
- Self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth – Most men I talk with experience deep self-judgement around their inability to last as long as they like. When you master this part of your life, it will be easier to love and accept yourself
- Greater will-power and personality – When you can resist the ingrained evolutionary and culturaly-acceptable need to ejaculate, you will discover that your will-power is much stronger, and that you can 'be your own person' instead of adhering to what others (parents, society, religion) expects of you.
- Creative and manifestation power – Sexual fluids and sexual energies are related to creating a new life. When you are able to control your sexual energy, it will be easier to create in all aspects of your life and to manifest your dreams into existence
- Spiritual awareness – As you let go of the bodily, even animalistic urge to ejaculate, you will strengthen the role of your spirit. You will discover that spiritual awareness is one of the greatest pleasures of being a human being.
So, if ejaculation dis-serves and disempowers you, and if avoiding it brings so much pleasure, love and power into your life, can you see how it will be easier now to do whatever it takes to master this part of your life?
To get the benefit of this section, may I suggest the following exercises:
1. Write down in your journal what aspects you resonate with and how they affect your life. Notice how ejaculation doesn't serve you in your present life, and how much you stand to gain if you learn to control it.
2. Also, to be more aware of the long-term effects of this practice, write down:
The worst case scenario – How would your life look like in 5 years if you still cum too fast? How would that affect your sex life, relationship, wellbeing, career, male friendships, wealth and spiritual practice?
3. The best case scenario – If you manage to control your ejaculation and become a confident lover, how would that affect these aspects of your life?
(This was mentioned in the previous lecture, so please do this if you haven't already)
Learning to control my ejaculation has changed my life and the lives of my colleagues, students and clients.
If you keep reminding yourself of the WHY, this will be possible for you as well.
The next part of the journey is to understand WHAT you need to do to last longer, and HOW you go about actually doing it.
Finally, I'd like to hear from you – What aspects of the WHY do you most resonate with and how are they affecting your life? Share on the Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1181115511919063/